Zipping it

I’m feeling as if a tornado passed by inside my head and left everything upside down. Pieces of me are missing. Could probably be found somewhere in South America or floating on the Atlantic, not sure whether to cross over to Europe or down south. And while that goes on, I’m left here in Sweden, feeling a little torn, not knowing what’s in or out, what’s up or down.

So much to try to figure out about life. Not because of me, but because I feel pressured to. Pressured to come back to reality and live up to other people’s stupid expectations. Talking to people about my amazing trip, and then facing their judging “Well, you had your fun, now it’s time to figure out what you want to do with your life and do it” – looks. Fuck you…is what I feel like blurting out, but being raised to be a good girl…I keep it to myself. After all, like Thumper (“Bambi“) once said;

“If you can’t say something nice… don’t say nothing at all.”

So, I’m zipping it. For now.

- Me

Disaster thoughts

I usually don’t go online in the morning, but foir whatever reason did so today. the first site shown on my browser is always Google.com and undernearth the search field, I noticed there was something written. News.

“Tsunami Alert for New Zealand, the Philippines, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Hawaii, and others. Waves expected over the next few hours, caused by 8.9 earthquake in Japan.” [Source]

Horrible, horrible, horrible…and to think that grandma was talking about an earthquake and tsunami over the phone yesterday. Touché…
Positive energy and thoughts from me to everyone affected by the earthquake in Japan and tsunami waves everywhere else.

- Me

A little lame…

Okay..tasks of the week: job + apartment hunting. I need my own place, been living on my own for years and there’s the whole “sharing” part that I’m not used to. Plus the fact that you can’t do whatever you want, without having a couple of eyes watching you and bugging you sometimes. No offense – it’s like that for everyone that lives with other people. So…where to move, where to move, wah wah wah…oh and the thrill of looking for a new job, oh, the excitement! Note sarcasm, please. But you gotta do what you gotta do in life, right?

::Be the dumper::

So, I’ve been glaring at my deluxe/special edition of 30 Seconds to Mars‘ “This is War” album, that my sis got me last year. It’s still wrapped up in plastic, with the price tag and everything on it. I don’t know, a year ago I would’ve ripped off the plastic the minute I got the album, listened to it (though I already have the original release versions…yes. Plural) and then thrwon in the DVD to watch. Especially since I’m literally in some of the footage of the DVD (interview in Copenhagen, Denmark, recording session in LA, CA, interview snippet inside of Capitol Records…yeah, long story!)…but now I’m all Whatever ( with a capital W) about everything, including my favorite band. I never thought I’d get here. I guess all good things come to and end eventually, huh.

I’ve just slowly gotten bored with them, I think they should take a break from touring (could you please name any other band that has toured for over a year non stop, with at the most 2 weeks break?!), because though 80% of their fanbase (hello newbies) are crazy about catching as many gigs as possible, there’s the 18% that actually see these guys as humans…humans that need rest…and sort of get their feet back on their ground for a little while. Oh yeah, and then there’s 2% that are just around in hopes to be able to hump Jared Leto‘s bones. Just saying.

*Sigh*
The world is a very cynical place. I plan to dump things I love, before they dump me. Be the dumper, not the dumpee.

- Me

Back on square one

::

Lost in translation

::Waking up::

I’m back in Sweden now…after over 24 hours of travelling, I’m back in cold, old Europe and Sweden from my 4 month long journey down south. I woke up this morning being licked all over my face by Wilma, our little dog, who always finds her way into the bedroom I currently stay in at my parents’ house, and she doesn’t leave my side until I’m up. Today that was at 1:12p.m. Though I was terribly tired when I came home, Mr Jet Lag still found his way to haunt me, and I stayed up all night watching “Geeks & Freaks”, while the rest of Europe was sound asleep.

I just feel really, really freaking weird about being back. It’s around zero degrees celsius. it’s cloudy and dark, there’s still some snow outside and it’s just like a dream. A dream about me being in Sweden, when in fact I’m really sleeping in Santiago, Chile. Or maybe me waking up from a dream about me having been in Chile, but I never really was. It’s just soooo weird, beacause driving in to town last night, felt just as if I’d never left it to begin with.

GAH!

I’m sitting in a warm fleece sweater with tons of clothes on. Oh yeah, and I caught a cold on the plane from Sao Paulo to Paris yesterday. Awesome. And to think just two days ago I couldn’t make up my mind about what to wear on my flight, because I was burning hot from the 32 degrees in the shadow in Santiago!

::Good day and good bye::

Someone please wake me up, cuz I feels so freaking confused now. Not sure what to feel. I think of my cousins and family in Chile and I just want to cry. I think I feel slightly sad today. I feel like I was in the midst of me disccovering life, and BAM! Ripped away from that. Oh…back to life, back to reality. Just a fucking pitty that my reality has to be on the other side of the freaking globe, far, far away from everything that makes me smile every single day. It’s nice to see my family and pets again, but they have their lives going on, and I just feel like I don’t fit in, not in their lives,I just mean to their realoity here. Work, social life, blah blah blah. I just have a feeling I killed my social life when I got here yesterday…Wahooo..

I feel sooo stressed out too…jobs. I need to get myself a job soon. And I don’tknow…I don’t want an apartment now, as I don’t wanna stick around in Sweden. I need out, out, out! I promised my cousin, C, that I’d stay positive. But life feels terribly messy and like a blur right now. Where the heck do I go from here? How do I get that feeling again, when everything felt right? How the heck is it even possible to lose that vibe in less than 24 hours?! What the freakaleak is wrong with me? Let’s blame it on the jet lag.

- Confuzzled one.

All good things come to and end

::Saying good-bye::

I’ve been in Santiago, Chile for almost a week now. Saying goodbye to my family in Calama wasn’t the easiest thing in the world…it gets more difficult each time I’ve to return to Sweden, not to mention this time – having spent 4 months in Chile. I spent my last evening with my aunt, uncle and cousins at their house. I was so upset, so, so very, very upset when leaving their house that I broke down in the car on my way back to grandma’s house. So much for a hardcore attitude…meh! The very next day I’d to leave to Santiago, and I really, really, REALLY didn’t want to. I Said my goodbyes to my little BFF; Tintin. I love that little sucker. I’ve never cared about a dog (other than my own pets) more than I care about Tintin. He’s just the best thing ever and I’ll always miss and love him. I dunno, I suppose I was extra emotional about saying good-bye to him this time, knowing very well that this is most likely the last time I see him – ever, because he’s almost 14 years old and well…dogs don’t live that much longer. So I’ve been emo all week thinking about that little dog that made my days sometimes. I’ve also been extremely sad about leaving my cousin, C, because we really bonded and I found myself confiding in him with stuff I don’t ever talk about. So to have that ripped away from you just like that, just because you have to go back to Sweden…well, it kind of really blows.

I admit not being too happy about being in Santiago the first few days. Suddenly I found myself babysitting, playing a nanny to my two little cousins (because they’re on summer vacation) and not being able to leave the house as I please or go wherever I want o in Santiago, because there’s no way in hell my grandma (and my mom in Sweden, hah) would let me on my own in Santiago. Yes, I’m 28. Hahaha…I was a little bitter about things, because I really, really missed Calama and my life there, my new-found freedom, my Tintin, my uncle Pepe, my cousins, aunts and uncles and the fact that it felt like home. I knew my way around there, I knew people, I felt like I had my life there. But I guess it was just a taste of an illusion. My life isn’t there…blah…

Been in Santiago for six days now and I’m finally starting to enjoy myself here with the kids. I have no choice but to make the best out of the situation, though I really, really miss home in Calama and I remember I got a lump in my throat and all teary eyed when waking up on Monday morning and spotting a picture of Tintin on the other side of the bedroom. I hate missing people. I got used to not missing people. But now I guess I’ve become a little more human again.

Today I got to talk to my cousin, C, when my grandmother called his house. We talked for a little bit, he sounded fine. But he said he’d call me again tonight because he kind of understood that I had tons of people around me (cousins trying to drag me down to the pool while I was on the phone), and I guess he had a bunch of people around him too. So, waiting for a call! I know I’ll get a bit emo again, but it’s well worth it! He’s just the coolest cousin ever.

Alrighty, so it’s Saturday and my uncle T and I are going out for some live music and a few drinks tonight. Yeeeehaaaaa!

PS. Did I mention I had a paranormal experience last night? Yeah,I had a paranormal experience last night. It’s not the first time weird stuff happens to me at night, but it’s the first time in Chile. I woke up at around 2:30 a.m. to go to the bathroom, then found myself twisting and turning in bed because it was too hot to sleep. I started hearing weird sounds outside of my bedroom, as if someone was walking up and down the stairs, but I kept looking outside and there was no one and the kids were in their room sleeping. So I kept hearing stuff and got a little freaked out. I turned on the TV and the lights to distract myself for a little. Suddenly my bed started shaking. I thought it was a minor earthquake, because they’re really common in Chile these days. But then I tuned to look at my glass of water on the night stand and the water wasn’t moving, and if there had been an earthquake, then the water should be moving and stuff that were suppose to fall never fell. So I freaked a bit. Obviously. Kept hearing weird sounds again until 4 a.m. Then my uncle came up because he was hearing weird stuff too. Then in the morning I told everyone about the “earthquake” and how I kept hearing stuff, and my uncle said he felt uneasy too, but he didn’t feel the ground shaking even though he was up. My aunt looked at me and said that there have been people before saying that the house must be haunted, because they’ve seen/felt things here.

Needless to say I refuse to sleep alone tonight…unless I come home really wasted!

-Me

Torn

Love Deluxe by Cinnamon Chasers…video made by some fan, but the musician liked it so much that they decided to make it the official video. And not that I’m that into electronic music, but I really like this guy’s music…

Alrighty. Not much to say…Just a bit bummed out today because I’d to  make myself a freaking package to send myself, because I would be bringing way to many KGs on my check in bag for when I fly back home…home..

Home…

Kind of mixed feelings of where that would be, because I’m perfectly settled in in Chile. Home here. In Calama. Now I have to do a 360 and drag myself back to Sweden. Europe. That whole mentality andall the changes taht come along with it. But my guts tells me to stay.

I’ve spent hours and hours talking to my cousin, C, about this. He tells me to stay, that I’ve nothing to worry about. ANd I want to, but reality’s pushing me into a different direction. Then again, we create our own realities, right? So why can’t THIS, Chile, be MY reality?!

Sooo confused.

I don’t want to leave my grandmother, because despite our differences, I’ve had a great time with her. Shared so much, laughed…meh! I don’t wanna leave my Mormor..

Alrighty. Enough sulking. Time to go pack my little suitcase for this weekend, because my cousins are taking me away to San Pedro for the weekend, where we’ll be meeting up with some of their friends and chilling. Partaaaaaaaaay!

- Me